The Talk

“You know, one of these days, I’m going to ask you to hit me.”

I was so okay with this.

This was the first talk we had, if you can call it a talk. She says now that I just laughed uncomfortably, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I felt like I had just hit the jackpot.

This was the morning after our first hookup. We had no idea what to expect out of each other – we had seen each other before, but always with plenty of other people around.

The thing that I enjoyed most about Kutoyis was being able to be so open with him from the beginning. Knowing that I could be so open and have him not run screaming was a good sign. Having him spank me and me like it… a lot… was an even better sign.

Who had I been before her? A boy in his first big relationship. I never thought of myself as kinky, though I had done some spanking, I’d had some cheap Velcro cuffs for the thrill of it. Today I’d be much more comfortable calling that “light bondage.” Choking was something I’d done every once in a while, but I quickly found as a single man how many girls enjoy it.

Who had Marie been before me?

I had tried everything up to the point of my partners’ limits. Choking, very light bondage, consensual non-consent, degradation, knife play. But I had reached a point where my partners were neither into or willing to do what I wanted to try. So I decided to be more up-front with potential partners.

I am a bisexual female who is into CD/TV guys, or guys who are willing to happily do it for me, and androgynous and beautiful women. I am a masochist, but I also have my limits. I believe that limits are flexible, and sometimes you should try something outside your box. You might just like it.

We had another talk, after we had decided we got along well enough to have sex regularly, and had a couple of weekends under our belt. We started talking about what got us off, and what kinds of porn she enjoyed – she watched porn occasionally, which piqued my interest right away – and she asked me about the long silk strips hanging from my headboard in black and purple.

When I told her they were for tying her up, she told me she was curious. “I’ve only ever been tied to myself,” she remarked, “never to a bed. I’d be down with trying that.” The way she looked at me steadily as she talked was a challenge to return.

There is a point when you’re dating someone that it becomes necessary to sit down, one way or another, and have a special kind of talk. It’s called the “what are you into” talk. The eminent Dan Savage tells us it’s more common in the LGBT community, but it should happen more often in straight relationships. It happens early, sometimes before the couple has had any sex at all. I heard about this from his podcast, which filled my evenings almost every night back in January when Marie and I first hooked up.

When I heard about this talk, I saw abruptly how important it is in a relationship. And I saw that in my last relationship, in over three years together, I’d never had that talk. It was one of the many reasons I left. That was what I’d seen when Marie told me she liked to be hit after our first night together. I’d found someone I could talk to, truthfully, brutally, about sex. I felt free, and a little intimidated. It was a rough landscape to look over for the first time.

As for me, this is my life in BDSM. Something I was scared of, but wanted to try. My greatest fear was not finding someone who really wanted to do it, that I was attracted to, that I could share it with, and learn it with, that I could talk to about my fears and limits. Someone I could trust to honor my safewords. Enter Kutoyis. The morning we woke up in bed together for the first time, all I knew to say and be honest and up front was “You know, one of these days, I’m going to ask you to hit me,” and paste a smile on my face and hope for the best.

As for his reaction, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. He laughs, smiles, and tells me how he is okay with it. Inside I wonder if he is just saying so, or if it turns him on, but it opened up our relationship to new possibilities, even at the very beginning.